Dear Ex-Girlfriend

 
I wish I could send this to you.  I miss you.  I have been dating… a lot actually and every one of them makes me miss you.  They all are missing something… and I think I know what it is.  They are not you.  They are either not as funny, not as smart, or don’t know our inside jokes.  I know this is totally unfair to them. 
How are they supposed to make up for the comparison to a relationship that lasted 1year and 2 months?  I don’t know, I think that I will never be able to let any of them in.  I don’t know if I want to.  I wish I could forget about you.. I wish that so many things did not remind me of you.  I went to the movies and I swear I turned around and thought that you would be next to me.  How sad is that?  How stupid am I?  Every time I think of you I hate myself a little more. 
I am planning on leaving school to get away from our memories.  I cannot take it.  I can’t stand only being 10 minutes away from you.  I cringe every time I come to your faculty.  I cringe when I see photos of you.  I cringe when I have to do things that I thought we would be doing together.  I hate being there and you are not.  I cannot wait to get out of here. 
I hope it will ease the memories if I am not constantly around the things that we did together.  Sometimes I hate hearing songs that remind me of us.  I have to skip a lot of songs on my ipod.  The one that you gave me.  Even when I hear new bands or songs I think man I wish I could tell you about this band, I think you would like them.
You know someone asked me recently if I am a girl-hater now or bitter when I told them that I had been in a relationship that lasted a year and 2 months and ended as ours did.  I was taken aback.  I don’t think I am.  But maybe I am, maybe I am flawed… I don’t know if I was before we broke up or because we did.  Maybe it is why we broke up. 
I hope that one day I can be fixed, but I think not.  I think I’ll wander the planet visiting different countries alone and still be the same screwed up person I am today.  Maybe, though I will eventually be okay with it.  Maybe one day I can look back and be happy for the time I had with you.  I don’t think so though. 
My life feels odd now, it is not grounded.  I feel aimless.  Even though I have goals, I feel like I am floating around without being able to concentrate.  I make up things I want to do but I am lost. 
It is odd to realize you have nothing to share with anyone.  No one to care just about you.  To share intimate details with.  You could be happy and I won’t know.  I wanted to be happy with you and now it will not be.  You will live a separate life and continue on without me.  That kills me.
Some days I succeed more than others.  But more often than not something triggers a memory of you and I am back to square one.  I wish I could send this to you.  I wish that our last conservation didn’t end like it did.  You saying you hoped it wouldn’t be our last one and me hoping as well, but knowing it would be.  *Sigh*.  I hate this.

Written By: Lamide Aranmolate