HOW TO FIND A DATE IN UNN

By

Nwilo Bura-Bari Vincent (campus hit magazine)

UNN is called a den. You must not mistake this. The boys are called lions. And the girls are called lionesses. It is no joke. The earlier you know this, the less chaotic your life will turn out. You are not a lion yet until you have taken my advice seriously. Rub your two hands together and listen attentively.

Before you ask a lioness out on a date, you must ensure that you are smarter than even your professor. You don’t need a good GP to be smart. All you need is a head that seems to work. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t really work. The first step to dating a lioness is:

*OWNING A BLACK-BERRY PHONE

The girls over here would die to have a Black-Berry phone. Every one of the lionesses has a hidden or unhidden agenda to own one. One of the ways of owning it is by association. Any boy who wishes to come closer to them must own it or forget whatever kind of feeling that is running through your system.

If you a
re yet to acquire one of those subtle addictions that make silly noise when a message comes in, then you are on the long thing. You are a bush boy. Get your life together and save your feeding fees to get a BB or return to your village. Once you have a BB you are on your way of getting a date.

You must not get a BIS. It is unnecessary, not everyone does. Just have the bloody phone and bring it out immediately you see the prospective girl. Act like there is a call. Walk around and call big names and speak some fine grammar when you are sure she is listening, you know such big names on campus? Those names who rule the fraternities?  Yes. If you have a BB and such big names as friends you are sure to have a woman who would share in your madness.

*BE A GOOD LIAR

Lionesses enjoy smooth lies. If you haven’t known this then you are a big learner. If you can’t lie you are a dummy. Learn this vital skill; it will serve you a lot of purposes. Tell a girl that you receive over N200, 000.00 (two hundred thousand naira) as upkeep allowance every month. Who no like better thing? Tell her you have been around the world. If you have a used International Passport, please, keep flashing it in her face. Don’t open it oh or you will be dead. And during the period of your relationship, please ensure to keep it away from her reach. The day she opens it and discovers that it is a mere virgin passport, that is the day that you will die without dignity. She will tell the news to all her friends and you will be the topic of discussion all through your stay in the university.

*BE IN YOUR THIRD YEAR OR FINAL YEAR

I don’t know how you are going to do this but you have to promote yourself. The girls at the University of Nigeria love to hook up with the big folks. If you are in your first and second year, you are a pest. Get a life. Look elsewhere or the girls will have a cause to pray against you whenever they are opportuned to talk to God. You can as well go to IMT or ESUT to find a girlfriend. You can lie to the girls over there and no one will find out. But you can’t really lie about your level to a girl in UNN except you are a humble student of mine. If you do and she finds out, words can’t paint the picture that would be spread around the campus. That single incident will hunt you until you come back for your carry-over courses.

*RENT A BQ

When you own a BQ you are seen as a big boy. Some of those BQs cost as much as N120, 000.00 annually. The girls know this. They know a lot more than you can imagine. They are not smart and sensitive for nothing. That’s some mad money.  Owning a BQ means you are free from the horrible mess as endured by those in the hostels. No girl wants to see a boy who lives in the hostels. They have heard so much about the boys’ hostels. They know that the boys barely understand what it means to be kempt. They visualise those in the hostels as uncivilized. If you tell a girl that you reside in the hostel, she will slap you spontaneously. It is not her fault. She just doesn’t want anything to do with someone who sees cockroaches and rats on daily basis. It also means that you don’t trek that much to class. You don’t sweat. You have access to steady electricity by the university authority and then water isn’t your problem. Ladies like comfort. They would prefer your house to any classroom. It doesn’t matter if a test is ongoing in the classroom. Your bed space is their comfort.

*YOU MUST HAVE SOME MONEY TO TAKE A GIRL TO FRENZY

You must have some money. Having a BB and being a superb liar are great but that is in-exhaustive of the list. You would need at least N300.00 daily for a period of one month to take the poor girl out. She needs loving and loving without money is stupidity. No lioness is stupid. You must not mistake this fact for any reason or you may not graduate. You are so messed up if all you only eat sausage rolls. You are already declared poor. If you had been sighted, hmm, that is a bad one. It will take eternity for you to have that corrected. No woman wants a poor student as a boyfriend. When she is hungry, who will she call? Your ancestors?   

*YOU MUST BE A FRESH BOY.

Now you have heard a lot from me. I hesitated to state this because I feel it is the most important part of this lecture. You have to be well packaged. If you don’t use some cologne, you need some serious scolding. You don’t smell like shit and expect a UNN lady to identify with you. Are you a learner? Every girl wants to point a finger at a handsome young and say: “that’s my boyfriend. That’s him, who makes me dream sweet.” You don’t know that feeling until you are there. It drives them crazy. You must not put on a bad shoe like me or come out of your room looking as if the problem of the University of Nigeria, where the dignity of man is restored, is resting on your shoulders. That is a bad start. No lady wants a liability for a boyfriend, especially in UNN. Stay away from that girl before they commit a murder.

 Twitter: @saintvinny
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