Drama On Wheels
What Danfo ever did?, thought Tomiwa,
He wiped his face roughly with his handkerchief, he brought down the small piece of cloth to stare at. It was rumpled, stained and wet with sweat.
He shrugged, it would do for now.
The mini-bus had barely pulled out from the car park to face the current traffic.
Tomiwa looked up to see the fellow passengers in the bus.
A man in the passenger seat at the front was deep in thought as he stared out the window beside him, the driver beside him was singing along to the music and bouncing on his seat, the heat didn’t bother him.
There were three rows of long seats behind them.
At the first row immediately behind them, a woman with a baby on her back and three children squeezed in between her thighs sat exactly behind the driver, they were all eating boiled eggs. The passenger next to them was a man wrinkling his nose, the smell of the boiled eggs didn’t please him. He tried to put some distance between him and them. Next to the man were two women wearing uniform flamboyant attires.
At the row behind the first, sat the wailing preacher in competition with the music, beside the preacher was a sleeping man resting his head on the back rest of the first row seat. A plump woman sat next to the sleeping man, fanning herself with a pamphlet.
Tomiwa couldn’t help but feel sorry for the man sleeping between the preacher and the plump woman.
The bus conductor was seated beside the plump woman, nodding his head vigorously to the beat of the music.
Right behind the bus conductor was a sour-looking man with his arms folded against his chest. By his left, was a young lady dressed overtly bright and with a lot of accessories, next to her was a dozing old man, his head kept flinging back and forth, Tomiwa sat beside him.
“Your money for front!” shouted the bus conductor, “I no get change o”
They never did, thought Tomiwa.
The man at the front seat threw his hand backwards with the fare in it, the bus conductor collected it.
The woman with the four children found it difficult to retrieve the money from her handbag, the little space available wasn’t enough to take out the money without shoving the passenger beside her.
“Ah! Ah! Madam!” cried the man beside her, he was rubbing his arm and wincing from the pain
“Sorry o, please help me hold my children” she tried to move them in front on the man
“No! abeg heat dey”
She managed to get out the money
She hissed and stretched her hand towards the bus conductor to pay her fare, knocking the man’s head in the process
“Madam!” He raged
“No vex na” she replied nonchalantly and faced the window
“Bia! Driver remove the music” yelled the sour-looking man
The driver kept bouncing on his seat and continued singing along
The sour-looking man retrieved a walking stick from his side and stretched forward to hit the driver on the head.
Shocked and alarmed the driver turned around to face the perpetrator
The sour-looking man stared calmly at the driver “remove the noise you dey play”
Sulking and mumbling to himself, the driver turned off the music.
The passengers breathed a sigh of relief
“……….repent from your sins! Run away from temptations! Halleluyah somebody!” wailed the preacher
“Halleluyah!” replied the three children.
The traffic lightened up and the bus began to move at a faster pace, letting breeze spill through the windows. Tomiwa closed his eyes to enjoy the soothing effect it brought, then he felt a heavy weight on his right shoulder, he opened his eyes and turned to see the old man sleeping on his shoulder.
Tomiwa shrugged hard to wake up the old man, it didn’t work.
“Oga, your money” the bus conductor was facing Tomiwa.
He withdrew the cash from his pocket and gave it to him.
Tomiwa used his left hand to lift up the head of the old man from his shoulder.
The old man’s eyes fluttered open as he did this, he recoiled sharply from Tomiwa
“What are you doing to me?” cried the shocked old man
“You were sleeping on my shoulder”
“Don’t touch me again!”
“Then don’t sleep on me!” retorted Tomiwa
“Jesus is coming soon! Accept him now as your lord and savior!” The preacher kept on with his sermon
A phone started to ring, rather loud for a small device. The brightly dressed lady answered the call
“Hello darling……..yes, I’m almost there…..yeah, I’m in a cab now”
The sour-looking man turned to smirk at the brightly dressed lady
“Oh that? The noise is from the car radio”
“Baba you never pay your money” the bus conductor had his hand stretched to the old man
“Take!” He squeezed in a 100 naira note into the bus conductor’s hand
“Sweetie, I’ll call you back, we’re being held up by LASTMA, love you” the brightly dressed lady quickly hung up
“Baba na one fifty” the bus conductor threw the money back at the old man
The brightly dressed lady turned to look back at the sour-looking man “eh hen? Yes?”
The sour-looking man turned away from her
“I don’t have one fifty” said the old man to the bus conductor
“Driver, Park!” The bus conductor shouted
The bus screeched to a stop at the side of the road
The bus conductor got off the bus “oya baba bole (get down)”
“Because of 50 naira?” The old man asked
“BOLE!”
“Stop shouting, I’ll come down”
The old man took his time to alight from the bus, moving very slowly, one foot at a time till he got down.
The bus took off immediately
Tomiwa looked back to see the old man smiling
That was his stop
“Conductor, change” the plump woman asked
“I tell you say no change” the bus conductor replied gruffly
“Na so wahala dey start” she replied and folded her arms
The bus had almost reached its final destination
“If you give! You would receive!” cried the preacher
The brightly dressed lady now seated beside Tomiwa brought out a small purse from her handbag, she opened it and took out a small compact, she applied the powder puff on her face.
The sour-looking man began to stare at her again.
When she was done with the powder, she applied mascara on her eyelashes, then she put on fresh hot pink lipstick.
Much more colourful, thought Tomiwa.
She then took out a can of body spray and sprayed herself.
Tomiwa covered his nose with his handkerchief
“Jesus!” cried the preacher, he used his thumb and index finger to hold his nose
The young man sleeping between the preacher and the plump woman woke up, he looked confused and distorted, he pulled up the hem of his shirt to cover his nose.
The bus began to slow down, they were at the final bus stop.
One by one, the passengers alighted from the bus, taking deep breaths as they walked away.
The brightly dressed lady walked away carefree along the road
“Conductor, my change” the plump woman looked squarely at conductor, they were standing face to face
“No change! Ah ah! Go find change come” retorted the bus conductor
Tomiwa left the scene and walked on to board the next bus that would get him to his destination. He found the bus and entered, as the bus rode away from the bus stop, it passed the scene Tomiwa left and what he saw stunned him and the passengers.
The plump woman had the conductor on the ground and was hitting him on the head with her shoe, meanwhile the driver held her on the waist, trying to get her off the bus conductor.
“Lagos” Tomiwa said and shook his head.
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