INFATUATIONS FOR A GAY-ISH GUY by Enna Agbaeze
If
I could leave my body and stare back at myself I would never believe it could
be this pitiful. I can’t control my tears, I can’t control my thoughts. I am
not myself anymore.
I have lost control of myself, thinking about him has become a priority for me to smile, I have dreams of him when I sleep, I think about him when I’m awake, I’m thinking about him now as you read. How he kissed me, how his fingers combed through my hair, how he swept through my cheek with the back of his palm, how he whispered sweet things to my ears, how he held my hands when we walked. He fascinates me, when we are eye-balling, my pupils dilate, my cheeks color, my heart beats faster, my emotions start to leak.
I imagine him with me all the time, under a faint blue light shining from a chandelier almost half the length of the room, I imagine myself wearing lingerie of silk with rose petals littered all around. I imagine bed linens of Italian polyester and soft music that can inspire a zebra, at the background.
I imagine him kissing me slowly as he holds my waist
closely against his body as he goes to hold my face.
Words cannot explain how this little bad gay man makes me feel. This is just a guy, a guy indeed is what he is. He is a guy that has not yet mastered the ability to completely love and care for another person, a guy that doesn’t have a workable sense of responsibility, doesn’t feel the need to show compassion and warmth, a child. This is the guy my heart cries for. Why!!Did I do anything wrong to have such demising fate? Indeed sadness grips me, fear for my heart cripples me, I am but alone I cannot even help myself.
He hasn’t the slightest idea of how I feel towards him. I know that this fellow is trouble so I don’t intend to hurt myself just yet. Betrayal is hard for me to deal with and this fellow is best friends with betrayal. I cannot have him so I cry. I cry so much my eye balls press against my eye socket. He is the only one I am unimaginably attracted to, the things I imagine are probably illegal in some countries. Not even the wisest guru or psychologist can help me. Following my guts, I cannot be with a person like this, following my heart, he is all I want.
Like a prison with notorious psychopaths I have guarded my heart. Like a short déjà vu I have forgotten everyone I developed even the tiniest feeling. It wasn’t the words he whispered into my ears but the manner in which he did. His words, his touch are like swords that cut through my every defense. There’s a thing I have tried so hard to protect but when his around that thing doesn’t seem so precious anymore. I want to give it away. He becomes what I see as precious. He makes what I count as déjà vu become real and stoppable.
I cannot say I love him, I cannot say I hate him, words cannot help. I cannot forget him, I don’t want to. When I try to think about something else, thoughts of him swoop in like an emissary from outer space. My dear gay-ish friend, all I need from you is you.
The chance my heart is taking will surely put me down, but not withstanding all this torment I want him the most, not my pride, not my guts. Where have you been all my life my friend?
For
the first time I feel strongly for an actual human being. This person I can
sincerely call a kid. I kiss guys mostly because I feel sorry for them, want to
tease them a little and leave them teased but this guy is different.
I have lost control of myself, thinking about him has become a priority for me to smile, I have dreams of him when I sleep, I think about him when I’m awake, I’m thinking about him now as you read. How he kissed me, how his fingers combed through my hair, how he swept through my cheek with the back of his palm, how he whispered sweet things to my ears, how he held my hands when we walked. He fascinates me, when we are eye-balling, my pupils dilate, my cheeks color, my heart beats faster, my emotions start to leak.
I imagine him with me all the time, under a faint blue light shining from a chandelier almost half the length of the room, I imagine myself wearing lingerie of silk with rose petals littered all around. I imagine bed linens of Italian polyester and soft music that can inspire a zebra, at the background.
He
rubs my back gently and makes his way to my bra and he unhooks it with his left
hand and still holds my face with his right. He slowly moves me to one side of
the bed perfectly, as he takes off his vest. I imagine his body pressed against
mine as he kisses me passionately and whispers I love you into my ears as
though he was “straight”. The catatonic movement he makes on my body would make
me feel like I was high on weed as I begin to see coloured birds flying under a
rainbow cloud whistling untranslatable music. I close my eyes as he kisses my
neck down to my stomach, and holds my boson closely to each other... And the
rest is an epic adventure that even IndianiaJona in the shoes of destiny, G. I
Jim and the jumper of Africa wouldn’t have ventured.
Words cannot explain how this little bad gay man makes me feel. This is just a guy, a guy indeed is what he is. He is a guy that has not yet mastered the ability to completely love and care for another person, a guy that doesn’t have a workable sense of responsibility, doesn’t feel the need to show compassion and warmth, a child. This is the guy my heart cries for. Why!!Did I do anything wrong to have such demising fate? Indeed sadness grips me, fear for my heart cripples me, I am but alone I cannot even help myself.
He hasn’t the slightest idea of how I feel towards him. I know that this fellow is trouble so I don’t intend to hurt myself just yet. Betrayal is hard for me to deal with and this fellow is best friends with betrayal. I cannot have him so I cry. I cry so much my eye balls press against my eye socket. He is the only one I am unimaginably attracted to, the things I imagine are probably illegal in some countries. Not even the wisest guru or psychologist can help me. Following my guts, I cannot be with a person like this, following my heart, he is all I want.
Like a prison with notorious psychopaths I have guarded my heart. Like a short déjà vu I have forgotten everyone I developed even the tiniest feeling. It wasn’t the words he whispered into my ears but the manner in which he did. His words, his touch are like swords that cut through my every defense. There’s a thing I have tried so hard to protect but when his around that thing doesn’t seem so precious anymore. I want to give it away. He becomes what I see as precious. He makes what I count as déjà vu become real and stoppable.
I cannot say I love him, I cannot say I hate him, words cannot help. I cannot forget him, I don’t want to. When I try to think about something else, thoughts of him swoop in like an emissary from outer space. My dear gay-ish friend, all I need from you is you.
Slowly
I cannot picture his face, I wish I can forget him completely, but instead
everyone begins to resemble him. My feeling
have become deep to the extent I wish I had him like I had sight, my
faith is shaking but I still try to keep my head held high.
The chance my heart is taking will surely put me down, but not withstanding all this torment I want him the most, not my pride, not my guts. Where have you been all my life my friend?
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